I feel so awkward being here. It is so not like me to go on and on about things like this. I'm not really one to talk about myself...my life...at least not for this long. I know I'm rambling, but I guess I do this when I'm nervous.

"So I've been pretty busy lately. Between school, the kids, the house, and work...not that you could really call what I do work...anyway, I've just been so busy that I haven't been able to come and see you. I'm so sorry. I guess it's not much of an excuse, but it's the best I've got."

I need to breathe. Actually, what I really need is a cigarette. I wonder if you can smoke here. Hmm...I don't see any ashtrays, and I feel weird about just flicking on the ground. Oh well, I guess I'll just wait.

"Well, school's going pretty well. I've decided to major in English, and specialize in a few other areas. You know me...never could make up my mind on anything. I made the Dean's list again. Trust me, it wasn't easy. After the semester I had, it's a miracle I managed to get everything done. And that science professor? Let's just say he didn't have an ethical bone in his body. I'm so glad I don't have to take a course with him again."

I wonder if I should be talking about school. After all, it was one of the many reasons I left him in the first place. I don't want to cause any hard feelings. That's not what I came here to do.

"The kids are getting so big. My oldest is getting ready to start third grade, and the youngest is set to start preschool in the fall. And they're both so smart. I'm convinced my oldest girl is going to be a politician someday. The youngest will be an engineer, like her daddy. She loves taking things apart to see how they work. Yeah, they keep me on my toes but I love them so much."

Yeah, that's good. Talk about the kids. What was I thinking? Once upon a time, we had plans for a family and a future. We had named our future children, and contemplated what their futures would hold. Why don't I just stab him in the back a little more? Twist the knife a little deeper?

"Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't come here to talk about how wonderful my life is. Really, I'm just stalling. I guess I'm scared of what you may be thinking, or will be thinking, when you know the truth as to why I'm here. I mean, it's been almost three years and I'm sure you've been wondering where the hell I've been all this time."

That's it. Ease into it slowly. I've been waiting so long for this moment, and I should choose my words carefully. After all, this may be my one and only chance to talk to him. If I don't do this now, it's a pretty safe bet that I'll either lose my nerve or never get an opportunity like this again.

"Listen. I've been thinking a lot lately about what happened between you and me. I still have a lot of regrets about how we ended things. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted things to end up like this. I guess in retrospect we all tend to see the mistakes we made and wish that in some way we could have seen what might happen. You know, prevented future events. Maybe things would have turned out differently. I mean, I don't regret how my life has turned out. It's just..."

Why can't I just say how I feel? Why do I have to keep beating around the bush? For heaven's sake...just SAY what you came to say.

"The truth is, I've had a hard time letting the past go. There's not a day that goes by lately that I don't think of you in some way. I'll hear a song, and all the sudden there we are...dancing through my mind like we used to. I still have every letter you ever wrote to me, and every picture of every special occasion we shared together. Our homecomings, our proms, weddings, graduations, vacations in the Keys, holidays...all of them. You were five years of my life, and I just..."

Come on. I need to breathe and get this out. It's the only way I can finally come to terms with all of this and get on with my life. I just need to dry these tears and let him know exactly what his actions have done.

"Damn you for stealing those precious memories from me! Damn you for taking them and making them into something I feel like I should regret now! You have taken the only good times I had in my youth and buried them with your pain. And I...I should hate you for it."

But...

"But I can't hate you. I never could. Even after all the pain you caused me before I had finally had enough and left, I still loved you. Even after you married her, and had kids of your own...Even now that I am married to a wonderful man whom I love very much and has given me the world on a silver platter, there is still a piece of my heart and soul that can't ...and probably never will...let go of the love I had for you. I should hate you for that. But I can't. My heart can't."

Ok. I've said what I needed to say. It took me a long time to come to terms with my feelings about all of this. I actually feel like a heavy stone has finally been lifted from my heart and placed on this final resting place. I wasn't expecting to feel so...absolved.

"Anyway, it's getting rather late and I really should go. My husband and children will be wondering what is taking me so long. I'm sorry. For a lot of things. I really do miss you, you know. More than you could ever imagine. I suppose a part of me always will. Oh, and just remember that there are people here whose lives you've touched in ways that you can probably not comprehend. Especially mine. Take care, my love. Rest in peace."